I am learning that my stress behavior shows up as a lack of communication. When I get stressed, I don’t stay in touch with friends. It is as if all my energy and focus goes to staying grounded and present. And the idea of reaching out to others makes me THINK I am not being present. But the operative word is “think” because in reality every time that I do talk to a good friend, I feel so much more grounded. It reminds me of who I am.
This tendency also shows up in my blogging. I can’t bring myself to sit down and write when I am feeling stressed out from having so many competing priorities. And the more time that lapses between posts, the less I want to get back into it. But again, the minute I actually start writing again, I am reminded why I write in the first place. It also connects me back to what I stand for and what I value.
A lot of the time, the first thing to go in stressful situations is self-care. We don’t feel like it is important enough… perhaps we even feel that WE are not important enough. But what I have been learning over the last couple of years is that self-care is a muscle that we have to develop and nurture. It takes practice to get used to taking care of ourself and our needs. Especially those of us that tend to put other people’s needs before our own.
So if I can switch the narrative and look at my friendships and my writing as a method for of self-care, I will be apt to encourage myself to do more — to communicate better. Because the truth is that communication is extremely important to me. And when I stop communicating, this signals to me that I am not taking enough time out to care for and nurture myself and my relationships. So the stress behavior tells me that I have to refocus on self-care.
Self-care doesn’t always mean that we have to pamper ourselves or spend tons of money. (That is a trap I fall into sometimes, thinking that I can't focus on self-care because I have a tight budget.)
But self-care can simply mean taking the time to do the things we need to do. Not the things we are obligated to do, just the opposite in fact. We have to take the time to do the things we are NOT obligated to do but that we need to do in order to care for our wellness — wellness for our body, mind, heart, and spirit. And it is the non-obligated tasks that are hardest to motivate ourselves to do. So we must practice.
What are you going to practice doing that you are not obligated to do but that you have to do to care for yourself and your health?
And remember, it is not going to be easy. Self care can be tough, especially when we are untrained in taking time out for ourselves. It can feel selfish or self-indulgent. But it is the hard stuff that can be so worthwhile. It can be so much easier to take care of someone else’s needs, to focus on the little tasks that we should do, to let the administrative details of our life to take precedent - cleaning, paying bills, running errands, responding to emails, etc. And if we are not careful, our whole like becomes dominated by administrative tasks and taking care of the needs and desires of everyone else around us. But this is unfulfilling; when this happens, we feel void of true purpose and value.
Again, we have to move and build the muscle for self-care. So, to start, pick one thing - even if it feels silly or trivial - one thing to do everyday that will bring you back to your center. Perhaps pick a poem that resonates with you and makes you feel full of wonder and purpose, and read it to yourself in the morning. Or take time to paint your nails every week.
These don’t have to be expensive or time-consuming tasks. In fact, we can often turn every day tasks into moments for self-care. For example, we can simply take an extra few minutes to shower or bathe. Instead of rushing through it as an administrative task, you can take your time and breathe and relax as you do it.
And, as you continue practicing self-care, stay aware of your stress behaviors -- the signs that indicate that you are not taking enough time for self-care. Are you skipping meals, constantly missing your workout times, focusing on administrative tasks instead of going for a walk or taking a nap... whatever behaviors that signal to you that you need to refocus your energy and take better care of yourself.
Try it out and let me know what you discover!