Emotions are beautiful and complicated. In our lives, there are emotions we love to feel and there are emotions that we tend to avoid. The avoidance of certain emotions can be conscious and purposeful or the avoidance can be subconscious, when we don’t even realize we are doing it. As we were growing up we may have learned or been taught that certain feelings and emotions are “bad” or “wrong.”
The truth is that there are no bad emotions. However, the unhealthy manifestation of emotions is when they are directed toward or taken out on others. It is the action, which results from the emotion that we need to be mindful of. This is true for both the emotions we avoid as well as for those emotions we love.
For example, on the shadow side, if the emotion of anger is directed towards another it is no longer anger, instead it turns into a act of violence. Anger is not wrong, the issue is when violence is used as a response to our emotion of anger. On the light side, emotions such as happiness and love are beautiful emotions, but when we direct them towards someone else, we create attachment and, in turn, think that the emotion is dependent on the other person. When, in truth, the emotion is created and owned solely by ourselves.
Processing emotions is necessary for our wellbeing and is vital to creating positive growth in our lives. We have to allow ourselves to feel, acknowledge, and explore all of our emotions- the ones we perceive as "good" and the ones we perceive as "bad.” As we process our emotions, It is important to learn to separate the emotion from the actions. We have to be very clear about the distinction between letting out & exploring the emotion, from directing & inflicting the emotion on others.
We can process and “let out” our emotions in healthy ways that doesn’t negatively affect ourselves or others. When I think about the major ways we tend to deal with our emotions, here is what I come up with:
- Hold it in. Sometimes we try to ignore or stuff-down emotions that we feel. By holding our emotions down we are allowing them to “fester, fester, fester; rot, rot, rot” (to quote an old-time fave movie, French Kiss). This is not an effective way of dealing with our emotions because they will just show up later, at another time and place and surprise and/or confuse the crap out of us.
- Let it out in an unhealthy way. This is when we translate our emotions into actions, consciously or unconsciously, that are harmful to ourselves or others. We are afraid of the emotion and are unsure how to deal with them. So, we yell at loved ones when we are angry, we make others feel miserable when we are sad, we eat junk food when we are unhappy, we mentally or physically punish ourselves when we feel ashamed, and so on. In reality, this does nothing to help us move past the emotion and it creates negative, unnecessary behaviors that just wedge us deeper into emotional despair.
- Process the emotion in a healthy way. This is the sweet spot. This is when we become aware of the emotion we are feeling, explore why we feel that way, and then choose how we react in a way that is rooted in love and acceptance.
The key is love and acceptance. That’s what makes the difference between healthy emotional processing and an unhealthy cycle of emotions. If we operate under the assumption that our feelings are wrong and need to be avoided, then we will be held captive to those emotions by letting them fester. Or we get caught in a negative cycle of reacting to our emotions based out of fear. However, when we accept that it is natural to feel emotions and acknowledge that we have the power to choose how we react to those emotions, then we can operate out of love. And in doing so, we unlock true understanding of self and decide how we want to live our life. For ultimately, we are defined not by what we think or feel but by how we act as a result.